Aardvark Art Glass


Deadliest Warrior Poet

I don’t know if this ever happens to you but, do you ever half-watch a show and judge it as being too violent or stupid or just not your thing? Then you watch it again with someone who’s kind of into it or at least has an opinion about it and then suddenly you think the show might be worth watching, or even pretty great? That’s where I’m at now with “The Deadliest Warrior”. It’s on SPIKE, the man channel, of course.

If you haven’t seen this show, here’s what it’s about: Each week a crack team of manly men pit one theoretical warrior against another–eg. Ninja vs. Viking, or Gladiator vs. Apache and so on. Other manly, though suspiciously well-groomed men with extremely improbable sounding jobs (eg. Hollywood Gladiator Fighting Consultant or Guy Who Trains Marines To Knife Fight Like Apaches) run through tests of all the weapons that this week’s fighters would likely use (eg: net and trident vs. bow and arrow). All the info about each weapon’s, speed, accuracy, likelihood of fatality from a blow etc.,  is fed into a computer. Then at the end, the computer runs 1000 fighting simulations between the two competitors and whomever’s warrior wins the most rounds gets the Deadliest Warrior crown.

Side note: The show also stars a “doctor” who wears a real lab coat–his job is to ascertain the deadly force of each weapon (eg. A trident stabs all the way through a red fluid filled gelatin body. “That would kill you”, he would say. He would be right!) And also, each  expert weapon tester believes that the other guy’s warrior is, for wont of a better word, a pussy, and that their warrior is going to kick the other one’s ass. And they voice that taunting opinion frequently. That might be the best part of the whole thing on account of there isn’t actually a Gladiator or an Apache in the room–it’s just guys taunting eachother who really dig one or the other warrior type. Explain to me how that is not entertainment.

So, what’s not to like? I know! I’m not sure why I didn’t think much of this show the first time around. Probably because I wasn’t invested in it. But if I watch the show with someone who feels strongly that one or the other warrior then I do kind of care. Deadliest Warrior is a fun show when you pick a side. You have to pick a side. I hear sports are like that, too, though I’ve never bothered to learn enough about either side to care. It is actually easier for me to understand pitting various and sundry warrior types against each other than it is for me to understand pitting teams from different cities against each other.

LENGHTY SIDE NOTE:.Easier yet  for me to understand, within the same context, is the pitting against each other of non-warrior types. Like artists, for instance. Who would win a drinking contest between Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Waits and Jackson Pollock? Tough call, but probably Hunter S. Thompson. A computer simulation would be helpful and entertaining for that one. How about, who would win a fight, bare knuckles and maybe a knife in one hand– Jackson Pollock or Jeff Koons? I think Koons would have an edge health wise so let’s say they’re both drunk. Koons would fight dirty either way. You know, I’m not sure how that would end up. How about Koons vs. Frank Lloyd Wright? Frank was a tough bastard and he carried a cane….nah. How about Picasso vs. Koons? Koons would have the reach but, since he never does any of his own work  I bet he’s not very physically strong. Picasso is shorter, but barrel-chested and sturdy. I bet he can wrestle. He might fight dirty too… and in Spanish. Man, I think that would be a good match. Picasso would wipe the floor with him. I would pay to see that. SIDE SIDE NOTE: Sometimes unconscious things work their way forward as write this blog. Out of no where, today I learned that I really want to see Jeff Koons to get his ass kicked…by anyone. Anyone at all. He hasn’t even done anything that’s angered me lately. What’s happening to me?

BUT, ANYWAY, back in the TV show world…At the end of the Gladiator vs. Apache fight, the computer and the manly men all named the Apache the Deadliest Warrior. It wasn’t even close. We’re not 100% focused on next week’s episode, Pirate vs. Knight, though I do want to find out if, in that fight,  parrots play a hand in anything. I also want to see if there are Pirate Fighting Consultants working in our military in any capacity and what they look like. Mostly we are concentrating on a show we missed–Ninja vs. Viking. Because, we all know the Ninja is so going to kick the Viking’s ass. I’m not invoking the “P” word or anything but, come on, throwing stars against a big, slow dude with…what? A club? Of course the Ninja is going to win.

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Too much fun, I have to …
Never watched the program (been watching Looney Tunes DVDs), but Koons would win of course. He’d get someone who can actually fight do the work, then claim the credit.
But Ninja vs Viking? Think berseker with a 6-foot Dane ax. Viking, easy.

Comment by phil

You have Koons issues. Pollack would win the drinking match…he’s more hardcore.

Comment by lori g.

Hey Phil-
Ninjas are stealthy. The only reason one wouldn’t beat a Viking is if the show’s producers want to mix it up a little after having the smaller, less armed one win last week.
Arguing about inconsequential, hypothical things is more satisfying than I thought it would be. New hobby!

Lori
If it was just booze, it would be close. Throw in drugs and Thompson would kick everyone’s ass. His daily experiences would be wake-up calls for a normal person.

Comment by cathylybarger

This just in…after perusing the Deadliest Warrior website I discovered that next week’s episode is Spartan vs. Ninja. The Viking is going to fight a Samauri. Gotta get my warriors straight, even though it doesn’t really matter.

Comment by cathylybarger




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